Take Two Chocolate Bars and Call Me in the Morning

news you may not know

This is

Medicine?

Dateline 2017

You've had suspicions since before your wedding day - the whole, "I consider competition cooks to be among the world's finest athletes" fiasco - but now you're sure. Your wife really IS from Venus. What else could explain the goofy smile and offbeat whistle with which she greeted you at the break, make that slap, of dawn? And, what about the way she shouted, "You betcha!" when you asked if she was really going to the doctor today?

Hmm... It's not like this when you go to the doctor. Of course, not having been to the doctor since the 1987 dermatitis debacle, you admittedly have a diminished frame of reference. Still, it makes you wonder just what sort of a miracle worker this Dr. Wonka must be...

Will doctors really prescribe chocolate in the future? Well...

Researchers at John's Hopkins found that consuming chocolate has a direct impact on the platelets, the components within the blood responsible for clotting. The study was originally designed to assess the blood thinning effects of consuming 81 milligrams of aspirin each day. A daily dose of aspirin is a mainstay in the fight against heart disease and heart attacks. How did chocolate enter the picture? Ah, that would be what scientists refer to as the "Cheater" factor.

Study participants were given strict dietary guidelines to assure the results were directly attributable to aspirin. But, of the 1,200 participants, 139 (The Cheaters) simply couldn't resist their daily fix of chocolate. The Champion Cheater, now living under an assumed name in Switzerland, consumed an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream in a single setting - oh, and a couple of chocolate chip cookies for "dessert."

While the study does indicate aspirin is more effective than chocolate at reducing blood clotting, the "Wonka Movement" is afoot. Dr. Wonka has established clinics in several major U.S. cities and plans to establish a major online presence in the coming year. Says Dr. Wonka of his plans, "I have a commitment to bringing the best medical care, and the finest handmade chocolates, to poor pill poppers everywhere."

Now you understand. You were too quick to judge. Your wife is but one of millions who have seen the chocolate light and become steadfast devotees of the good doctor. You can accept that. Now, if you can just talk her into wearing a sweater over her "I Love Oompa Loompas" tee shirt...

To read more about the chocolate, see this CNN report: Chocoholics rejoice!

To read more about the aspirin study, see this from Johns Hopkins.